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Ever seen a "masked", internalised PDA'er? You are looking at her!

Why do I go under the radar?

1. Because I am an adult, I have created the life I want with the number of demands I can handle. Most children have no say in this and are totally overloaded with demands way over the level they can handle

2. Because I am successful. I have been in National Management positions since my mid 20's which also meant that I could create the systems and processes that work for me, and I could delegate to team members what I needed to (I was always smart enough to hire people with different skills to me).

3. I am an amazing masker... usually ... unless I am in demand overload for too long then it all comes crumbling down. I internalise my stress so no one notices its existence

4. I am an amazing innovator. I was consistently employed in "continuous improvement" roles as I just can't do the same things over and over... unless it is a system I designed and I usually can... go figure!

Where you see it overtly is when something is expected of me. Expectation is the demand that tips me over the edge.

Me playing hockey in a team that no one knows me - I could play like a superstar. Me being told before the game that they expect big things as I played for Australia Country, well my brain would just shut up shop with a "no we won't be doing that". It's infuriating as it's literally out of my control.

Me advocating for my autistic neurokin - I do it every single day, no demand felt whatsoever! It's my special interest even. Autism Awareness month comes along and it's a massive struggle to get on board with it as it's expected of me. Can't do it.

Same at work in the past, if it was expected I would stay late to finish a report then "computer says no!"... however if I am the one that proactively comes up with wanting to stay behind and do the report on my own accord, just try and stop me!

Rob and I chat about the difference in both our PDA expressions as over his life he has been very overt & demanded attention in his PDA expression compared to my internalised PDA expression which guarantees me super-high anxiety levels if I don't manage it correctly.

Regardless of your PDA expression, help can feel "demandy" to all PDAers because it entails giving up that personal control we so badly need. Rob and I are both still working through our own internalised ableism and will be for a while, and that is why we are so passionate about our 4 pillars:

♡ Self-awareness ♡ Self-honesty ♡ Self-confidence and ♡ Self-love

Sending big love x

- T ♡

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